stories told to me

I’m originally from Denver but it wasn’t until I got to LA that I got into drugs. I was a drug dealer before that but I didn’t do the drugs. Well, except for the ecstasy and the acid and the shrooms. But when I got into LA I started doing meth. I’m not going to lie to you like some other guys do and tell you that I’m so glad that I’m off of it and it was terrible. It was fucking awesome! The girls, the parties, staying up all night. I miss it every day. I would get meth so good it would burn a hole through the bottom of the plastic bag.

Everyone I knew growing up was wealthy. I grew up in a completely excessive environment. Some kids from my school would get their blood drawn and then do a bunch of coke afterwards so that they would get really fucked up. Their systems would be weak from the loss of blood so they would get totally tweaked on not as much blow as they would normally take.

There are tons of ways to buy weed in San Francisco and I know most of them. I was showing some kids around town a few weeks ago. We were walking around Golden Gate Park and I bet them that I could find pot in less than 5 minutes. It actually took around a minute before someone approached us asking if we wanted some nugs. I ended up trading him my jacket that I had bought at goodwill for some herb. Back in high school I used to buy from these asian kids. They would pick me up in their tricked out street-racer cars and we would tear around the city Fast and the Furious style while we did the deal. My favorite way to get pot now is the delivery services. You call this number and you get weed delivered right to your place. He shows up at your door with it in a brown paper bag. Several times the pot would show up at the house at the same time as the pizza guy. One-stop-shop!

I took a trip out to Jersey to visit some friends. It was fun, 5 days of straight partying. One of the nights we went out to the bars. We were standing on the balcony of a bar smoking cigarettes. My best friend’s friend, Danny was with us. She has a little kid so she doesn’t get to go out drinking much. She was really drunk off just a few drinks. There were some cops standing by their cars outside the bar and She just started screaming at them “pigs! Fucking pigs!” I couldn’t believe it. Then the cops came up to the balcony and started talking to me. They thought I was the one who was yelling at them. They took me down to their car and put me in the backseat. I was freaking out. I had two grams of coke on me and I was pretty drunk and blow which wasn’t helping my nervousness. I would be totally screwed if they caught me with it. That’s when I remembered that I also had 3 ecstasy pills on me that I was planning on giving to my friend. I was thinking ‘shit, what do I do? How do I get rid of this?’ At this point my hands were cuffed in front of me so I could still use them. I dug into my purse and pulled out the coke. All I could think was that I had to get rid of it. I opened the bag and started eating it. But I couldn’t get it all in cleanly and some of it spilled on the seat. The seats were black plastic and the powder was easy to spot. That’s when the cops came back in and trained their flashlights on the seat. They saw the powder and asked me about it. I had to admit what I had done. That’s when the Jersey cops went off on me. They started saying things like “you’re a fucking ugly person. You need to get back to Los Angeles. You’re ugly and disgusting.” At this point I was really freaked out, drunk, and coked out of my mind. I was crying and crying. Then they let me go. That was it, they just let me off and they never searched my purse for the ecstasy. The coke I at eventually hit me hard. I couldn’t even talk really, I was kind of emitting these high pitched squeaking sounds. I stayed up all that night.



Dude, don’t ever hook up with a hot chick. That’s one piece of advice I can give you. It’s not worth it. They try to pull all sorts of shit. Alice told me that we could only have sex once a week because she didn’t love me. Then she complained that it hurt when we had sex. She made me get her warm clothes after we did it. That doesn’t seem normal.

We were at a party and Sasha was wasted. She walked up to me and she told me, “you’re so cute. I really want to make out with you right now.” So I was like ‘alright, I guess I’ll make out with you’, so we did. She was so wasted and she was squeeling and shrieking, and she asked me to go back to her room, and I said that sounded fine to me. So we went back to her room. We were hooking up on her bed. She’s still so drunk, rolling around. I’m getting kind of bored so after a while I steel up the courage and say in my deepest voice, “so, you wanna fuck?” But she doesn’t answer me because she’s passed out. She starts snoring and I gather up my stuff and quietly leave.

My wife could beat me up. She’s a big lady. She’s got some guns on her. She’s Latino too which means she uses her shoes as weapons. There could be two closed doors between us and she would still manage to hit me in the head with her flip-flop.

When I was a young guy my friends and I loved talking to strange women. I had the prefect pick up line. Most pick up lines are cheesy and I don’t believe they work but this one was golden: “Hi my name is Eli do you want to go swimming tonight?” It sets the perfect tone. Your not asking to date them or do something serious. It’s a fun, simple activity, and it involves taking off your clothes! I always lived in apartments so we had access to pools and hot tubs. When I lived in Arizona my friends and I all financed scooters. We found a place that would let you put $17 down and $17 a month. We would ride around town on our scooters with flip-flops and board shorts. It was so easy to pick up girls with the swimming line. We didn’t even need to stop the scooters, they would jump on as we rode past.
“Come swimming with us,” we would say.
“But I don’t have a swimsuit.”
“It doesn’t matter, neither do I.”
“But your wearing one.”
“oh yeah. Whatever, let’s go.”
I actually met my wife with the swimming line.